Ideas

Plural noun. When a lightbulb appears over your head.

So I had this idea for a story I wanted to wright, it's about this girl who is struggling with her sexuality and other parts about herself as she goes through one year. I wanted the story to be done in a diary style, but I don't like how this format doesn't lend it's self to imagery much, so instead I thought it would be a blog, one entry for each day. I am putting up the rough draft on a blog, actually writing one post a day in this character's voice. See it here.

A letter to Jasmin

Ok, this is like the third time I've tried to type this but because I'm not at home my stupid phone (no I didn't mean it that way, lighten up phone) is making this difficult. 

    All I really wanted to say was: 1.) I love what you say and reading your long posts even though I'm not actually following you because I don't have a tumblr ( gasp ) 2.) I want to thank you for helping me become better at knowing good TV, being someone else who loves the art of film (sometimes I feel we are alone in that), and most importantly for introducing me to the L Word even though my parents forbids me from watching it anymore.  3.) I would really like to talk to you some time. ......... Now I'm getting worried that you won't like me because I'm to obnoxious or something. [hides behind desk] ........... Well I'll see you in the comments anyway.

     Sorry for the long badly composed comment which probably contains way to many spelling mistakes, but I have to submit this now before I lose my nerve. 

Beginnings

Beginnings, plural noun. The point in time and space where something starts

       Thursday, June 13th 2013

One of my best friends has been ignoring me because of a recent falling out we've had. It has been two days since the encounter. I am sitting in English class trying my best to focus on one of my classmates renditions of Letters to John (or something like that), and not pay any attention to the seat next to me. 
      All of a sudden my friend walks in. She sets her bag down and slides into the seat beside me. She starts chatting to me about something or another, just like everything is fine. I can hardly contain my enthusiasum. 


           Now
      Now that summer's out and I'm on vacation I don't really expect to see her much. Yes, I know I'm a terrible friend but going over to people's houses is really stressful for me, so mostly I'll stay home. I guess now that I've admitted it I might try harder to spend some time away from my computer. Ha ha ha. 

Over

Adjective. Completed or finished

     Tuesday, June 11th 2012
A good friend of mine and I sit in class. The teacher is going on about some project that's do tomorrow. Yada yada green sheet yada yada. "Wait, what green sheet?" I ask to no one in particular. Everyone looks as baffled as I'm sure I do. I turn to my friend thinking she might not of heard me and ask again about the green sheet. "I don't know!" she snaps her voice dangerously sharp. I withdraw into myself, hurt. All I did was ask if she knew what was going on! Feeling brave from the sting of her comment I take a deep breath and say, in a measured voice, "I know that you are having a bad day, but that is not an excuse to act like a jerk." She looks taken aback. I turn my attention back to the teacher, ever so slightly proud of my bravery.
      A moment or two later I notice her get up to leave. Her face is red and tears trickle down her cheeks. I feel a stab if guilt. I was a little harsh. While she's gone I make up my mind to apologize at the end of class. I never intended to hurt her, and seeing her sad because of
Something I'd done hurt me like a shot to the heart. The teacher comes by while I'm sitting there and asks me if I want to go after her. I shake my head. Seeing me was probably the last thing she wanted. 
       We don't speak a word until after class. I wait for her to finish unpacking as always. She looks up at me and growls, "What?" I pause unsure what to say. Again her words sting. She looks up from her packing
Again and glares at me. "What is it?" she snaps. "I, uh, I just wanted to say
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you" I say. "OK." she says and walks off. I hurry to my next class witch I also share with her, then I go to the bathroom and cry. I spend the rest of the day going out of my way to avoid her. I'm also trying to avoid a confrontation with our mutual friends. I don't want to end up giving them a one sided story that isn't the truth.

More on that story latter. Sorry for the really long post. I hope it doesn't take too much of you time. 

Sorry

Adjective. Describing someone who feels bad because they haven't been keeping up on their blog.
     I guess I don't really have that much to say. I'm scared I have this presentation tomorrow and I don't feel like I'm prepared enough, and right now I feel really sad. I'm not sure why. I think it's because I gel bad about being worried. I know I will be fine. I have a great grade in that class and I am fairly sure my teacher will not let me fail this year of school. Oh. Did I mention that if if I fail this project they won't let me move on? Anyway the point is that I have a great life. So why am I complaining?
      Arggggg! Spelling! At least I'm getting better.

Force

Noun, the power to move stuff with your mind, mass times acceleration
     
     May the fourth be with you! 
     
     I'm not really that into Star Wars, but it is something that I have enjoyed over the years. I really loved the strong female roll of Leia, and was disappointed that she had to have a romantic relationship. While we are on the topic of flaws I wanted to say one of the problems I have with Star Wars. It has been bugging me that there is a light side and a dark side. There is such an obvious leap we the views are supposed to make. The dark side is bad and the light side is good. There is absolutely no gray zone. While particular characters have been known to switch sides it was always clear in the end weather they were good or bad. (save maybe Darth Vader's redemption) Why is it that the dark side is bad? Why are we supposed to be rooting for the rebels? And the thing that bugs me the most; why, why would anyone call their teem "The Dark Side" it completely dehumanizes their cause. 
      Anyway please don't get me wrong. I enjoy Star Wars just as much as the next guy, espesaly the part about the clones, and I really don't want anyone to hate me now... please 

Doll

Doll, noun, a toy miniature representation of a person

      What is identity? Who am I? Am I just a selection of memories. Are my experiences the only thing that makes me different from everyone else?
    I write a lot of opinions but really do I have the right to tell other people what to think when I don't even know who I am. 
      Am I just a collection of other people's ideas? Where are my thoughts in all this mess?

I

Who am I, and what is wrong with this world?

Now

Now, adverb, in the present, referring to what is happening, well, now

     It's a skill I really lack, the ability to focus on what is happening here and now. It is indeed difficult to accept this , I, we all really, like to pretend that we are good at everything and admitting our failings is something most of us struggle with. I should really try more to live in the present. I doing something wrong. Right? Shouldn't I be focused on every little good thing here. Won't that make me happy. .......but that isn't really what I'm looking for. I want to be recognized and admired and that isn't happening right now, so maybe I'm not so wrong after all.

Friday

Friday, noun, the day after Thursday and before Saturday

      Isn't it amazing how much work you get on Thursday? It's like they are trying to make up for the weekend. "Oh dear look at that, they won't be dining work for two full days (minus the metric ton of homework we gave them) we really better step up the amount of work they have to do on Thursday. And if that weren't enough we take tests and give presentations all day Friday. Uggggh. Just ugggghhhh.

Alone

Alone, adjective, that feeling you get when it seems like no one knows you exist

       Ever had that feeling when you are in a crowd and no one is listening to you or looking at you and you get this deep feeling of loss? It is a though you have just lost all you friends because they don't see your pain, they are not there at your side when you need them most. You feel so deeply betrayed, yet at the same time you can't speak up because they wouldn't understand anyway.they probably wouldn't listen anyway. You are invisible. Unseen.      Maybe that's just me...

Con

Con, noun, a reason against a given subject, convention 

          As you have probably already figured out, I am a pretty big nerd. Cosplay, fan art and all, but I have only ever been to one con, Packs, and while it was quite interesting, but to me it was not all of what cons are cracked up to be. I am unsure of why it wasn't super fun. It could be because I'm not a big gamer or because I didn't know what I was doing, or because there is just to much of a social aspect for cons to ever be appealing to me. Should I give it another try?

Weekends

Weekends, noun, the last two days of a week, the time that is supposed to be used for relaxing and generally being lazy

      As you have probably already guessed I am really tired, as was my phone last night, thus the not posting until today.

Procrastinate

Procrastinate, to wait around in hopes of being struck by a sudden insperation, to wait untill the last second to do something
        I really don't think of myself as a procrastinator, but this past month has been really full and I didn't have time or energy to work on this long term project and now it's due tomorrow so... 
        On a semi-related note I'm really very sorry that I haven't been posting anything. When I first decided to make this I figured I would post pictures of what I was working on all the time, but I have been really busy with school. If you guys want me to talk about or show you anything on particular just let me know. For example I could tell you about the up coming choir field trip where we get to leave school to sing at another school or how the people in my science class are terrible to work with or how I feel like I am losing my best friend. I could even tell you about his huge project I'm working on. 
         Speaking of my life, we had auditions to get into the higher level of band in my school and I got in!!!!! I was really excited because I was fairly sure my oboe playing skills are not as good as they could be. Anyway I should be getting to sleep now, I have a long day of cramming to do tomorrow.

Effulgence

Noun, lightness, glowing

        I said a while ago that I would tell you how I got the name, and truth be told I really don't have anything elce to say today, so here goes nothing.
        I was trying to come up with a name that would describe both a little bit of who I am and what I do. I considered many things from my online name to a really brief description, like "a collection of ramblings" or "the way I see it" or maybe "a project driven life." I wanted something that had some meaning to me. I finally decided on a title after much consideration "of darkness and light," however I came upon a small problem, like so many others my first idea had already been taken. No matter, I figured I would simply alter the word choice. That's when it hit me, one of my favorite characters  had an affiliation with an word that meant something resembling "lightness," Spike from Buffy was the character and the word was effulgence. The final step was finding a word that meant darkness. I simply used the internets to find a synonym. Tenebrosity was the only word that sounded right and had a effective connotation. Little known fact, I actually had no idea what tenebrosity meant before I started writing for you all. What a way to learn vocabulary. Anyway now I find the need to use big verbiage in order to stay in line with he title.

Dependable

Adjective, someone who can be counted on, the excuse people give when they need you to do something for them

       Gosh, I'm so tired. Warn down, and worn out. I feel like an old rag. When will I ever feel excited  again, empowered? The world is weighing down on me and it is a heavy burden. 

Bravery

Noun, courageous behavior, being able to do that thing that makes your hands shake and your stomach turn to acid.
 
       Courage is good and all, but sometimes the best thing to do is respectfully yet firmly decline. And if that fails yell and make a fuss, because the point of freedom is to be able to choose, not just who it is that is telling you what to do, but everything about your own life. Stand up for what you think is best, for you, for your friends, for your nation, for the world.

Time

Noun, a big ball of wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff, something that everyone, save time travelers, lack

        I am really not one of those people that can stay up until four I the morning and be perfectly fine the next day. I need at least a good ten hours of uninterrupted sleep. I learned my lesson again today. I stayed up to late fangirling and slept fitfully. The whole day I spent tiered and crabby. Ugh.

Acceptable

Adjective, something that belongs or is part of something bigger

         We may all preach of individualism and standing up for what we believe in, but really deep down inside each of us is the driving need to be accepted, to be admitted into society. Weather it's the popular crowd, or the group of guys that always seem to be talking to your good friend, we all desire social acceptance, so my question is: why don't we just let everybody join our group. With the accepting of that really obnoxious kid who insisted on bugging you, contrary to popular belief, most people don't accruals hate you. So why isotope that most of us feel all alone? 

Writer's Block

Noun, when you just can't find the words to explained how you can't find the words to explain

      I don't often lose the ability to put my thought into words, which makes it all the more difficult to deal with. The problem with this world is it lacks the artistic touch. The system for which the world so heavily relies on is almost completely based off of "left brain" thinking. Everything is logical and structured in a way that is difficult to work in as an artist. You can see this come out in the idea that majoring in art is a bad idea. The world is not structured in a way that lets people have time to realize there ideas fully and creatively. It forces people to think in a very structured Manet and often punishes people who don't. I am not saying I have a better idea, or that the current system is all bad. All I'm trying to say is that this world is not built to be a utopia for artists. 

Music

Noun, expressing one's feelings through a system of rhythms and notes

        Music is something that is really important to who I am, and I just realized I hadn't talked about my love of music yet. I sing and play the oboe inside of school, and I defiantly consider myself a band geek, but that's not the point. The point is for me music is a gorgeous way of expressing yourself in a way everyone can relate to. So you can bet sometime soon I'll be putting up a clip of something I sang or wrote or played.

Rage

Noun, so angry that you are not able to express yourself in words but must instead resort to gutteral noises
        Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhh!!!!! 

Begin

Verb, present tense, to start

        Every night I feel waves of fear grow within me. I have had this fear right before I go to bed for several years now, but I think I have finally figured out why. Ever since I was about ten I have woken up each day with a different outlook on life. Everyday ment beginning my life anew. Somedays I'll be joyfull and some days I'll be sad or hopefull or mad. The end of everyday is like the death of who I was that day. Often it's a good thing to say that everyday is the first day in the rest of your life, but it can also be terrifying to know that tomorrow you could be totally different. I think that these feeling are because i have bipolar type two. 

Up

Preposition, not down

          Today I realized something, I don't need to be sad, or complain, or worry. There really isn't anything to be sad about. Everything is going to be fine, all you need to do is enjoy the moment. You have to live for the now because you have no idea will things will get better or worse.
          I guess you could say I'm having an up day. Rest assured I will be back to crying and complaining by tomorrow, but for now it's blue skies.

Regret

Verb, to feel bad about something that happened in the past, no mater how long ago it happened

         One of my many character flaws is not being able to take criticism. When someone tells me I have done something poorly or not the way it is supposed to be done I feel terrible, weather they meant to be kind and helpful, informative or cruel I always feel this deep sensation of failure deep in my heart. It has been difficult for me to learn. I am always so worried I will mess up or fail. So many times I have just wanted to be able to take what others say about me with a grain of salt.

Bottled

Verb, past tense, stuffed away in a small container to be released  later on unsuspecting victims

        Today something was different, today I could tell. I had this feeling deep down in the pit of my stomach. I knew as of about ten minuets ago that if things continue the way they are I am going to either explode or implode. There is only so much stress I can take before something bad happens, but usually I can't tell until right before whatever it is happens, but this time I had a chance to warn someone and they ignored my warning. I know he probably just thought it was something that could wait, still I just want to Prevent something had from happening again. 

    I know that was probably annoyingly cryptic, but I should really get to sleep. I'll get back to you soon.

Sleepy

Adjective, the feeling of tiredness, the desperate need to put your head on the table despite it being the middle of class
         The way I see it there are many types of tiered. Sometime soon I'm hoping to put out there a list of my ideas, including the different types of tired . Today's tired is the kind you feel when you get home from a long day at work. I call it tired psychological  because it is the tired you feel after something mentally trying. Psychological tired is caused by working you mind for a prolonged amount of time, or an emotion that is strong or in affect for a long time.
        That's what I'm feeling right now...zzzz

Tenebrosity

Noun, dark, solemn

The tenebrosity,
How it surrounds me
The walls of a city,
Rising up around me
All the synchronicity,
Means nothing to me

The tenebrosity,
The darkness around
No eccentricity 
Nothing to be found
Dark, no electricity
No light, no touch, no sound

All the tenebrosity
Everything used to mean so much to me
The rising toxicity,
In all that can be
Specificity,
lost to me

         Sorry about the bad poetry. Sometimes it seems that it is easier to communicate when your not entirely sure what it is you are going to say. The ring is just so that it sounds nice.
         Basically, what I was trying to say was, sometimes I feel as though I was surrounded by and darkness that no one else can see. For a long time I speculated that I had some form of depression, but more recently I have come to believe that I may have Bipolar type two. That's actually where I got the name of this blog from. I considered explaining the name earlier but, I wanted to designate an entire entry to it and I just haven't found the right time. For reference I think I'll call it effulgence.

Tomorrow

Noun, the day that comes after today despite everyone hoping it won't

        Today went well, respectively. For some reason today I had confidence. Maybe it was waking up with Marina and the Diamonds playing in my head, or maybe it was my extremely adorable boots, or maybe it was my pretty handmade shirt. For whatever reason today I felt as though I was on top of the world, the only problem is: it's Monday. That means a whole four more days to get through and I have this nagging suspicion that the next four days are going to have to be extra torturous in order to contend with the elation I felt today.

Disappointed

Verb, past tense, the action of having less than no pride in a given accomplishment

The greatest feeling of disappointment comes when you think something you have done is good, or better than good, maybe even awesome, then you turn around and realize what you did wasn’t good it wasn’t even close. Then you realize that there are so many people out there that can do everything you can do except they can do it better, faster, bigger. In that moment you realize that you are nothing special, that you are just another girl with a blog that no one will find. 

                We are all standing in a gigantic feel screaming and jumping up and down waving our arms, trying to be different to be special, to get noticed, to be someone. And for the most part we can focus on one thing at a time. Just this one more second, this one more moment, this one more year, then I’ll be where I want to be I’ll be satisfied with what I have, and what I don’t. And sometimes, just for a moment we step out of the pattern and look around us at what’s going on. I don’t know about you, but I always find myself just wanting to go back to the monotony, the normality, the safety of the system.

Constriction

Sometimes I feel so lost, figuratively. There are so many thing I want to do, like finish my book, disign dresses, write a song, learn sign language... I'm so excited and so overwhelmed. I want to do all these thing, but I never seem to have enough time. I am struggling to keep up my good grades, get sleep and get anything elce done. I want to be more to do more, but I am so constricted by what I have to do. I want to be more free.

Well...

I made a blog today. So, um, yeah.